Graveyard Release

Forgiveness is a big, hard pill to swallow. I remember the day I finally let go of my anger and hurt towards my father and forgave him. I visited his gravesite several years after his death. I don’t know why I did that. But I think it was a fated event that needed to happen, so I could move on with my life in a positive and upward spiral. G-d has a funny way of imposing on us when it is in our best interest.

As soon as I arrived at the cemetery, I drove up to the area I had mentally marked a few years prior to remember the spot where my father was buried. But I still went to the office to get the exact location that marked my father’s last resting place.

Emotionally, I was fine. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and I was in good spirits. But as I walked to the area, I remembered from his burial; I started feeling weepy. I had not allowed myself to think of my father for years, so I became overwhelmed with grief.

I had not shed a tear during the funeral or afterwards because my anger towards my father would not allow me. I almost broke down as I kneeled over my father’s coffin for the last time and prayed for him. But I was too stubborn to allow myself to grieve.

But then I walked up to my father’s grave and lost it. There was no headstone on my father’s grave, and I felt very upset about that. Having no identifier of him having been here suggested he had never existed, and I could not bear the thought of that and screamed.

I suspect that scream was about more than the missing headstone. It also was from years of denying my feelings and ignoring the thought of my father. But today was my release day, and release I did. I screamed and cried so much that my shirt was a wet mess. There was no one else around, so I was free to unleash the emotions I held inside for so very long.

I can’t say how long I stood in front of my father’s grave sobbing. But when I had released enough, through tears, I told my father, “I forgive you, Daddy.” And I meant it. It took years for me to reach that point. Forgiving my father was not an automatic process. If you read my book—and if you haven’t, what are you thinking?!–, you know I was a very young child when I dealt with trauma, so I had to begin to heal the pain of my inner child to even consider forgiveness.

People talk about forgiveness as if though it is a simple matter, and some people seem to have a switch they turn on and forgive so easily. That was not my journey, and since I am sharing my process with you to help you become your most authentic and highest self, I speak my truth. And I want you to speak yours too.

I repeated my expression of forgiveness to my father many times, standing at his grave. I think I needed to say it so many times out loud, hoping it would reach his spiritual ears, and I believe it did. But most importantly, I needed to confirm that I was letting go of the pain and suffering I held on to for years, angry but hurting no one but myself.

I needed little Suweeyah to know that we were walking away from that chapter in our life, and while we would never forget the unfortunate experiences that touched us, we would no longer let them dictate my adult life.

See, part of my healing was in knowing that little Suweeyah and adult Suweeyah were not and could not be the same. As the adult, I took charge of the situation and made the final decision to let it go, which was in the best interest of all parties, including my father (now there’s a story you want to hear!) I realized that my development and progress was in jeopardy if I could not get pass the emotional pain that was holding me back. I could look at myself and see the hurt of the past creeping into my adult life. And I have always been about being my best self, so I forgave my father and let it go.

As I walked back to my car, I felt lighter and happier than I could ever remember. I knew I had turned a very significant page in the story of my life. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have moments when something I saw or heard triggered my anger at my father.

That happened, and I imagine that was normal. But as soon as that feeling popped up, I reminded myself that door was closed forever, and I’m not the type of woman to go back on my word. At this point in my life, I don’t have any triggers. I forgive my father completely.

Forgiveness is a journey that each person takes on their own terms. It’s not something you do once, but something you nurture with time and awareness. Forgiveness is not about what the other person does, but your own willingness to heal the pain in your heart.

When you forgive, focus on letting go of the negative energy that surrounds how someone else has hurt or offended you. Forgiveness may take place quickly when it comes naturally and easily. We sometimes take longer than we think to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us. To forgive in these cases takes courage and strength.

Forgiveness does not imply forgetting or condoning the wrong done to you. It means letting go of anger and resentment to regain inner peace. Let go of the need to punish or seek vengeance.

After forgiving my father as I described above, I still had moments when I felt upset with him about things I went through at his hands. So, I did not forget the trauma I experienced. But I grew past it. I don’t feel angry or triggered anymore.

STOP DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENTING

What Benefits Does Forgiveness Provide?

– Forgiveness helps lessen feelings of depression.

– The act of forgiveness removes negative energy from your mind and daily life.

– Forgiveness allows you to let go of the past and move on with your life.

– Forgiveness heals our hearts and helps us reclaim our power. But there are steps that must be taken before forgiveness can occur.

First, we must fully know how we have been affected and how we have changed by the trauma. We must be able to acknowledge in our heart and mind how this trauma has affected us and the extent of the damage. Then we make a choice to either continue to suffer or move forward and release the hurt and pain.

Next, we have to be willing to look at our pain and the person(s) who caused it without judgment. That is so hard to do because we want to “stew” in what they did to us. But we have to stop judging the situation because in doing that, we are still holding on to it.

The last step of forgiveness comes from within you. Stop blaming yourself for not being able to save your younger self from the trauma. And forgive yourself for believing yourself powerless all this time. Then you can let go. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the hurt caused by another’s actions, allowing us to move forward and heal.

Reflection Journal about Childhood Trauma

What Do You Need To Remember?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened; it means learning valuable lessons and moving forward positively.

Forgiveness is an inner choice that has nothing to do with what anyone else does or says.

We owe no one forgiveness; we decide whether to grant it.

To be forgiving, you must let go of your vengeance.

To forgive, we must first acknowledge the trauma’s impact on us, then decide to let go of judgment and forgive.

Remember that forgiveness starts with forgiving yourself for the guilt you feel for what happened to you. I said it in my book, and I’ll say it again: you are not to blame for your childhood trauma. The adults were charged with your care and safety. They blew it. Will you forgive them and finally find peace?

That is up to you. You may not be ready, and you have every right to all the time you need. But don’t forget that your personal growth and development could be affected during that process. Forgiveness at this point in your life is for you. Keep that in mind.

If you want to read more about me and my how I healed from childhood trauma, purchase my book Choosing to Stop the Madness and the accompanying journal Stop the Madness. You will not be disappointed and will find courage to speak about your pain and determination to heal from it.

I have heard from victors, not victims, like yourself, about how much the book has done to help them. I’m glad to know that and look forward to the same for you. Please reach out to me here and visit my website to learn more about me and all the cool things I am doing. I’m pretty cool.

Thank you for spending this time with me. Please share this article with those who could benefit from it using the social media buttons below. Drop me a comment about your thoughts.

I wish you love, peace, and light!

For those of you wondering about the headstone…

My father was a veteran, and I learned that my aunts who handled his funeral arrangements had purchased a headstone. But apparently, they did not go back to make sure they got what they paid for, so my father’s headstone was on another grave. I’ve never seen it, but they insist they have.

I have an excellent memory and could have walked up to my father’s grave without the marker card. The cemetery office and I are not mistaken in our understanding of my father’s ultimate resting place. That story will have to have a conclusion too. Stay tuned.

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